Smiling should never be this hard.

But it is, it's getting harder each day. And every night I'm breaking down and crying myself to sleep.

I'm just not the same person and I'm definitely not happy. I'm wrecked, I'm torn, I'm broken and I'm lost.

After getting back from Chicago my personality just flipped. Like, I left my heart there and my smile. I wanna go back and get it. And stay there.

Lord I'm asking for your strength. Bring me back to that happy bubbly problem free careless person I used to be. Change may be mandatory but feeling this way shouldn't be.

I need You here, beside me.

I haven't been this lost in my mind, ever.
All these what if's are burdening me and hurting me emotionally, it's starting to affect me physically. I'm just not 'satisfied' anymore. I just don't want to care anymore. But at the same time, it's hurting me seeing you go. Seeing people go. Those who I'm close too years ago, I feel as if I'm losing them one by one, and I'm getting closer to people who I'd NEVER thought I'd get close too.. in a bad way. "You don't lose friends, you only find your real ones." Yeah, when is that going to happen? I feel like I'm losing friends but not gaining new ones or keeping ones who I think that're real. They all seem the same. They'll use you until you're worn out and throw you in the trash.

It's just ..

I just want to cry and not care who's around me just to prove them I'm human too. No one's perfect, and certainly I'm not. I'm tired of putting this mask on my face telling people I'm okay, when I'm really not. I'm just like the rest of them. I break down each night, knowing that the next day I have to go through the same bullshit I go through everyday.

Just when I thought I made the right decision, my face goes flat on to the ground.

When will you ever learn?